GO TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT. HOW TO

The queer trope is that we spend lots of time processing with one another. Processing is normal and healthy, and it’s good to be able to process things on your own. I’ve certainly had people come to me with their feelings in hurtful ways and have been left confused about why they chose to tell me instead of dealing with it on their own. While that might not be the case for everyone, and I’m certainly not calling anyone who chooses to tell someone their feelings selfish in a villainizing way, I do think it’s important to consider what the point of telling someone you have feelings for them is. I realized that telling someone else about my feelings was often a way to ask to be relieved of responsibility, in hopes that the person I had feelings for would know what to do with them better than I did, which, when I think about it, is selfish in such a specific, hurtful way.

GO TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT. HOW TO

Looking back, high school was when I finally started to learn how to work through my feelings and desires on my own, and how to talk about them with friends or my therapist instead of needing to act immediately. And in high school, I started an extremely embarrassing blog that, at least at first, was solely about all of the things I wanted to say to and about my crush but instead put it on the internet for thousands of people to follow. In middle school, I started e-mailing love letters to my crush from summer camp. In elementary school, I got up during a class talent show and sang “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch to my crush as a public display of affection. When I was younger, I was deeply dramatic about crushes. Instead, it’s good to look at having a crush as an opportunity to learn to process your emotions in a healthy way and become more self-aware about what your sexuality is, what turns you on, and what and who you’re attracted to. That means experiencing intense feelings doesn’t mean that there’s also the need to communicate them with the person you’re crushing on, unless you’re absolutely sure that it will go somewhere, you’re both on the same page and want and need the same things, or saying something won’t cause issues. Having a crush is one of the most common feelings no matter someone’s age or the phase of life they’re in, so it’s just another part of healthy social development and learning, Dr. You’re not necessarily thinking things through with a clear head, and you’re just trying to get another hit of dopamine. “Having a crush can activate imagination and fantasy, both important components of sexual and mental health, while releasing feel good chemicals in the brain that boost your mood.” When you have a crush, the stress and reward systems in the brain are activated, so it’s kind of like taking a mini dose of drugs. “Crushes are not only normal but also good for your health,” says Sex Therapist Dr. “Don’t go looking for oranges at the hardware store,” she said, explaining that sometimes we think we need some form of validation or attention from one place when it’s actually not the place to go for it at all.įrom a psychological perspective, it’s actually much healthierthan you might suspect to experience crushes and positive romantic or sexual feelings for someone that you don’t take action on. In my session yesterday, my therapist gave me an appropriate metaphor. If what I truly need is someone to help me process my feelings, I can talk to my therapist and other friends to work through these crushes. While this line of thinking might seem contrary to popular opinion or understanding of how to handle feelings for someone, I’ve had enough experience with telling people about my feelings at the wrong place and the wrong time to recognize that the only thing that telling either of them would actually accomplish is feeling less alone with my feelings and passing the responsibility to someone else.

Telling either of these friends about my feelings would probably hurt the solid relationships I already have with each of them, and confuse us all about what we actually need. I also know that it’s actually best for each of these women and for me not to say anything. The reality is that having a crush on people you’re close to and admire is a common part of life, especially for queer women. So why am I not plotting an elaborate plan to woo either, you might ask? I also know for a fact that both are attracted to me and have had feelings for me in the past. Both of them are the type of people I could see myself being in a relationship with. I’m currently working on getting over two different women I’m friends with. The 200 Best Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Movies Of All Time.LGBTQ Television Guide: What To Watch Now.

Go tell your friends about it.